Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A Few Good Models

We, or to be more accurate I, watch America's Next Top Model most every Sunday while they've got the cycle marathons running on Oxygen. Jack Bauer and the doggies do their best to tolerate the fights, tirades, and tears. I'm mean really, what do you expect when you get a bunch of 18-25-year-old beautiful, tall women together? It is sheer genius!!! Entertainment galore!!! I can't get enough!!!

There is NO talking during a current cycle, but I am slightly less stringent on Sundays. Heaven forbid I miss a single word of the show. The doggies MUST be non-woofy. Jack remains in the room so that he can instantly take care of any doggie needs.

Apparently this past Sunday, Jack was feeling, um, inspired by Cycle 8 with Jaslene, Renee, Natasha, Dionne, and especially Brittany and thier Aussie experience. Jack loved, yes, loved, Cycle 10 with Whitney and Anya in the final runway. Combine judging panel with JAG, stir in A Few Good Men, and poof! Just imagine Jack Nicholson as a judge on panel. The following is my husband's interpretation.

Girl, we live in a world that has catwalks and those catwalks need to be walked by women in beautiful clothes. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Nigel Barker?

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Anya and curse Miss J; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Anya's loss, while tragic, probably saved fashion and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves fashion.

You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties you want me on that catwalk, you need me on that catwalk.

We use words like fierce, fabulous, and supercute. We use then as the backbone of a life trying to defend something. You use them as a punchline.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very fashion I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you," and went on your way.

Otherwise, I suggest that you put on a couture gown and walk a catwalk. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Oh, Jack, you are so amusing. And incredibly tolerant.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

You don't want to be an appliance in this house

We moved in to this house in early October. And since then it has been bad news for appliances. I just need to recap this for myself because it is an amazing string of unfortunate events. Let me start by saying this house was built about 4 years ago, occupied by the owners for about a year, then occupied by at least 2 other families.

October: Garbage disposal broken when we moved in. The disposal had a huge crack in it. And it was not the original disposal in this house. This should have been a sign of things to come.

November: Shower head has less than half the holes working.

December: Oven/stove is so off on temperature we have a service man come out to adjust the temp. That doesn't work, but he does convert the oven to work with propane instead of natural gas, even though it hadn't been done originally and had been burning improperly for 4 years. That was just 4 years of carbon monoxide leaking into the house. Oven/stove still sucks ass. There is no low setting on the burners and it cannot be adjusted. Now the broiler drawer is falling apart. :D

January: Dishwasher stops working while we have company. Takes landlord 10 days to get someone out here to replace it.

February: Refrigerator filter light comes on. We replace it with the exact same model and it leaks for about 3 weeks, but eventually works fine. The filter light never goes off. Latch breaks in the closed position on the largest windows in the house that provides great cross ventilation; landlord opted to do nothing; fortunately it was too cold most days to open.

March: Jack gives up on his computer. It won't stay on for more than a few minutes at a time. We make do with just one computer.

April: My Kitchen Aid blender dies. No replacement. New shower head becomes so clogged half of the holes aren't working, and the previously pleasant rain shower is turned into stingy darts; cleaned out with a bottle of CLR run through it; now works almost as good as new, but not. I thinking there is a hard water problem in this house.

May: Cuisinart coffeemaker self-clean light comes on. We clean it. It dies just over a year after it was purchased. Replaced immediately. Our cordless phone handsets start dying. Jack attempts to reformat his external hard drive to work with the Mac; he loses everything on it, meaning tons of stuff from Iraq that was only on that drive. Jack attempts to reformat his mega iPod as well; loses everything on it. Our only computer falls out of the back of the car after our last trip to SoCal. The base is cracked so the battery is popping out.

June: Found a tool to open latch on large window. Get great cool evening breeze again! Yesterday, the sliding adjuster on waffle iron received as Christmas gift less than 6 months ago breaks off, but it looks like it might still work, for awhile.

The TV and accessories seem to be working fine. The washer and dryer are sufficient. Water heater works very well. Heating and cooling systems are working. Oh, wait. We haven't yet turned on the AC this season. I'll let you know if that goes. I can't lose my cool!

It has been a difficult 8 months for things in this house. It is so ridiculous that at this point, we are taking bets on what will go next. And just for fun, we are planning on renewing the lease in October!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

A new title???

First, thank you all for your words of sympathy and encouragement in regards to my last post. They really do help. In fact, finally writing it out was quite cathartic. Note to self: do it more often.

So I promised I would write something more positive. I have been thinking a lot about what what to write about, especially humorous and lighthearted things. Well, I think I've found it. Zumba.

A friend gave me a month pass to a local gym. Since I've gained probably 15 pounds since moving here in October (curse you Rachael Ray!), I figured I really needed to do something about it. Especially since I cannot afford to buy a new wardrobe. Of course, if I were to lose a ton of weight, you know I'd find a way to get some new threads.

The appeal of this gym, and why it is worth paying money over free gym on post, is Pilates classes in addition to a full gym. I love getting back to doing mat classes and feeling less stiff. And there is a morning mat class 3 days a week. Perfect! I can do Pilates and then a little cardio and really feel like I've worked out. Maybe I'll move up to doing some weights to help. Now all that sounds real good.

My free month ended and I went and got all signed up. I get 4 free shakes and 4 free training sessions. All that AND Pilates? Awesome! Except now the Pilates instructor has gone on vacation until after July 4, which means I need to find a replacement activity. And many people have recommended Zumba. Think Salsa meets Aerobics. Fortunately I was able to hide in the back of the crowded class filled with skinny young things. While I mostly felt ridiculous, I kept laughing, and when I couldn't keep up the steps, I just kept swaying my hips, figuring that it was some movement and that must be good. I mean, it is a dance/workout class, and sweat means something. Bottom line: learning Zumba is ridiculous, almost as ridiculous as learning Pilates. Thus, it has presented a challenge. Challenge ON!!! I'm going to swish and sway and twist and girate into a smaller size!

Anyway, I'm thinking this blog may need to be retitled "Does this Army make my butt look big?" Because given the last 8 months, the answer is clearly and decidely YES! And not only do I look like a big butt complaining about everything, my butt has gotten bigger.

So here's to taking this butt back to a more normal size.