Oh! Didn't see that coming.

I have been feeling good lately. GREAT actually. I feel like I've got this deployment thing down pat now. Work has finally become busy after 6 months of sitting on my tush. I've got the house-as-project going now. And I have a special little project going on the side that I am super excited about. Quite frankly, I've been feeling high. High and busy.

So this evening I am at my chair Pilates class, working my butt off, totally absorbed into myself and my body. Feeling fantastic about all the crazy things I can do with my plus-size body. We finish class I there is a small gathering of people from the reformer class all around one reformer. I don't think much about it. I clean up my equipment and start to put it away, when I notice that one of the students is holding another student upright. The woman being held looks to be passed out. The instructor, Tracy, is on the phone sounding like she is talking to a 911 operator.

Wham!!! I was hit right in the chest. A welling up of emotion overwhelmed me, right there in the studio.

You see, I used to be the person who would have immediately rushed over, taken charge, and told everyone what to do. That's the ER nurse in me. She's still there apparently, cuz there was a voice inside me said that's what I needed to do: GO HELP! But I couldn't do it. I just could not go over there. I could feel myself becoming emotional rather than focused and analytical - and emotional is not good for crisis management. And that scared me. So I hurried up and left before I started crying.

I drove home contemplating why that scene in the studio upset me. The only thing I could think of was a loss of control. I think I have spent so much emotional capital on maintaining myself and trying to prop up Jack Bauer for so long through this deployment that something had to give. And I don't have the reserves left to spend on someone else's crisis.

Now, that's not to say that if this woman had passed out right in front of me that I would have dropped her like a sack of potatoes, or that if I had a family crisis (and family to me includes my BFF and her family) that I couldn't handle it. Like we all do everyday, you handle your life as it comes to you.

But I don't need to be seeking out crises to manage. I got my own, thank you very much. My plate is full. I cannot take an extra serving of mashed potatoes without making myself sick.

And on my way home, I saw the ambulance coming.

Everything will be fine. I'm sure of it.