The Knock on the Door

Hi, my name is Butterfly Wife and I live in denial.

That's how I felt yesterday evening.

I came home from a pleasant Pilates mat class, fed the dogs, got my dinner out of the frig, and quickly checked my email before jumping in the shower. Pleasant and relaxing. Washed my hair, shaved my legs, and then the creeping thoughts sneaked in and spread their web across my brain. Before I knew it, I was thinking about the Knock on the Door.

Who would be the first person I would call? A couple of local girlfriends. Definitely.

Would I blog about it? After the phone calls , I would get on the computer and blog about it. (Why I thought this would be a good idea, I am not sure.)

After these two thoughts I recognized the cobweb for what it was (whatifland) and I plucked it up and washed down the drain.

I understand that we milspouses experience this type of anticipatory grief. And when great women like Andi share their experiences, it is a relief to know that I am not alone in this. I have experienced anticipatory grief and not solely in relation to the deployment. I suffered through it for months shortly after Jack Bauer left and before I put our baby doggie to sleep. (Still gathering the courage to discuss that - getting closer though.) I understand anticipatory grief.

Back to the denial thing. Sometimes, I think I am simply fooling myself about how well I am doing 95% of the time. Of course, that "sometimes" consists of the other 5% when I am not doing well. And even during the tough times, the times of doubt, I look back on who I used to be, how I was in that funk 1oo% of the time, and I think, "This ain't so bad." ;-)